The "I" Statement

There is nearly no worse way to start off a conversation than pointing a finger at someone, literally or figuratively. You are almost always assured of soliciting a defensive act. (I’m talking about conflict here, not the sort of things that elicit blushing and “awe shucks.”) Pardon my lapse into the corny, but when you point your finger at someone else, three fingers point back at you.

So, here we go with feedback that first takes responsibility for our own role in the situation. This will hopefully give us a better chance of asking someone to change his or her behavior.

What if I said to my husband, “You leave your shoes in the hallway for everybody to trip on and you make me so mad!”
Now, chances are by leaving his shoes in the hall he was just being lazy and not doing it to get my goat or make me trip. When I give him the feedback above, I’m making him responsible for my anger. He didn’t mean to and had no clue that it would make me angry.

And so instead, I say, “I get mad when you leave your shoes in the hallway because I trip on them. I’d appreciate it if you put them in the closet instead.” By saying it this way I take responsibility for my feelings but also ask him to change a specific behavior. I need to let him know that leaving his shoes in the hall does make me mad so that hopefully he will not do it anymore.

The “I” statement (a special brand of constructive feedback) has four parts:

A) “I feel____” taking responsibility for your own feelings
B) “when you_____” stating the behavior that is a problem
C) “because____” what it is about the behavior or its consequences that you object to
D) “I’d appreciate it if you would_____” Offer a preferred alternative to the behavior

That’s it! There you go. One small word of warning: While this approach aims at not making the other person defensive, it can easily drift into condescending waters. Be watchful of your tone, holding close to sincerity.

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Conflict resolution

When people disagree or someone acts inappropriately, emotions kick in pretty quickly. Before we know it we have stormed off, hung up the phone or called the other person a name or verbally attacked them, sometimes with something that has nothing to do with the conflict. “You think everybody loves those lemon bars that you bring in but we throw them away when you’re not looking” GASP!

Now, don’t get me wrong. Conflict is essential for growth and it is normal for people to disagree. However, how we deal with it means the difference between strengthening relationships and communication and letting the conflict fester so that not only has the original conflict gotten blown out of proportion, but the tension it has created has ended up affecting not only those directly involved in the conflict, but also those around them.

A common accelerant of conflict is bringing in preconceptions of the other person’s intentions or motivations. You’ve decided she is bossy, or lazy or doesn’t know a bedpan from her ear and you see whatever she says through that lens. Maybe she’s sarcastic or speaks crudely and you react to that instead of the content of her words. Maybe it is the other way around. But, we’re talking about conflict here and not personality and that knowledge is the first step to working through conflict (Unless, of course, the conflict is about specific personality traits, but we’ll save that for another day.)

NAME THE PROBLEM
Together you and the person with whom you are having conflict must work to get on the same page. (This is a reason everyone on the team should do this training together so they all have common tools and knowledge, but it can be done if just one party in the disagreement knows the technique. Just lead with it.) You must first agree on what the actual problem is because often conflict comes to the surface as a sarcastic remark, a dirty look or a snub. So one person must be brave and approach the other person and say “It seems you are unhappy with me for some reason because of your hostility toward me. What are you unhappy about?”

UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM
The two of you will explain your feelings and position to each other. “When you leave a mess like that at the table I feel you are taking me for granted.” After person A speaks, person B should mirror back to person A what he or she heard: “You are upset that I left a mess for you to clean up and you feel unappreciated.” If person B does not quite get it right, person A will further explain and then person B will try again. Then it goes the other way. You will go at it like this until both parties have a mutual understanding of the problem at hand.

TAKE ACTION
Next, you will discuss what action is needed to resolve the problem. Together you will decide on an action and how and when it will happen. Person B could say something like, “I will not assume you have time to clean the table and I will either do it myself, or ask if you have time to do it. I do appreciate what you do and I will try to be better about showing it.” Of course, the scenario I’ve presented here is ideal, but at least you can see what you are shooting for.

This sort of conflict resolution is about creating greater understanding between two people not about “winning” the fight or sticking it to someone. You’ll find that when you take the fighting and personal attacks out of the process, it goes much more smoothly. It may be that there isn’t an agreeable solution, but at least the cause of the disagreement has been identified so it doesn’t leak into other areas of the relationship.

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